Providing for my Body

Do you ever just feel like you have a zillion things going on in your head and you just can’t make it stop? Like it swirls and you talk about it, and you think it’s off your chest, but then your every waking moment is spent obsessing over it? Yeah… no, not me either. Poor bastards. Just kidding… 😉 Yeah, that’s so me.

At some point we have to move on from things, right? We can do everything… counseling, meds, reflection walls, affirmations, meditation, so on and so on. Yeah, so that’s me. I feel like I’m doing it all right. I’m talking. I’m working harder than ever on meaningful friendships. Which is funny by the way, because when you have been betrayed by a good friendship, it’s hard not to let yourself be jaded. If I allowed history to repeat itself, my walls would have grown very high at this point. But, that’s not what we’re here to talk about. I look at my reflection wall every day, and I contemplate each emotion I feel. I acknowledge it an try to embrace it. I focus on my next move… what’s my goal for today. And I reflect on how I handled my day, my emotions, my wins, and the things that I need to forgive myself for.

Forgiveness. Forgiveness… it is not easy. Its a deliberate and intentional action. It doesn’t just happen. We have to make a very concerted effort. On my reflection wall I have the question “what do I need to forgive myself for today”. And recently it’s been going back and forth between two things… 1) forgiving myself for continuing to be angry for the wrongs against me. Because I feel like I have to move on, and I’m not. I’m just not. And 2) forgiving myself for letting me neglect my health.

So let’s talk about number one briefly first. I am in no position yet to forgive those that have wronged me in the last few weeks. I felt like I have been treated SO incredibly badly. I have such incredible pain that I don’t see myself being able to forgive right now… even if I wanted to. I realize that forgiveness doesn’t need to be asked either, that it’s on me to find that place in my heart. However, the forgiveness hasn’t been asked for and the individuals don’t even see the wrong in what they’ve done. I’m trying hard not to belabor this topic, because I am quite literally obsessing over it. But I have too much anger to be able to forgive right now.

But then let’s move on to number two. My health. Through all this stress and incredible anxiety, I’ve let me health decline significantly. I’ve continued to workout as best as I can, but I’ve fallen off my workout plan. I am not eating hardly at all. I’ve lost 17 lbs over the course of the last 3-4 weeks. And I’m paying for it. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I am trying to force myself to eat… because despite my emotional state, I care a lot about my physical abilities. If I can’t do what I want to physically, then I am not myself, and I’m not happy. My last few bike workouts have been awful. My strength workouts have been weak. And my motivation to even workout at all has been significantly impacted. My body is responding in other ways now too, outside of my workouts (I’ll just leave the ambiguity right there).

That being said, let’s tie that together with forgiveness. When I contemplate the question “what do I need to forgive myself for”, I need to forgive myself for not being on task and for not taking care of my body. I have made efforts the last couple days to force myself to eat, to fuel my body so that I can actually be my best self. I forgive myself for letting this situation consume me and eat me alive. It has taken so much of my happiness and while I can’t get all my happiness back with a snap of the fingers, I will strive to ensure that I continue to do the things that truly do bring me happiness, and one of those things is my physical fitness.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to forgive in the rest of the places I need to. But right now, this is what I can do. I’m strong, I’m motivated, I’m determined to be my best self now. I want to be a positive energy and I want to be someone that others want to be around. I will continue to allow myself anger and sadness now (I promise I will move on at some point), but I will focus energy on making sure my body is everything that I need and want it to be, and that I will give it everything it needs to accomplish that.

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