Well. I realize it’s been nearly a year since I’ve made a post. Something I’ve talked for months now of getting back to. What better time than the present when I can’t sleep??
Some circumstances have caused me to look back on this year, which I suppose we normally do as a year draws to a close. And it hasn’t been the easiest year. So what’s happened…
* I found out Victoria was pregnant and spent several months working through that
* Cole moved back home after being gone for two years
* Victoria turns 18 (believe it or not, this is emotionally traumatic)
* Victoria graduates high school and moves out
* Move to a new place (positive move but moving is stressful and expensive)
* Work stress has been abnormally high due to varying circumstances
* Victoria has her baby (boy is Paisley fucking cute – more on her in a future post)
* Cole moves out after months of battling issues with him
* Multiple car problems that required some serious digging in to the pockets in some cases
* Pushed myself too hard physically with ultra training and really did a number on my back which has left me with significant chronic pain
* Major challenges regulating my thyroid that is seemingly tied to everything affecting mood, anxiety, motivation, stress, etc….
* Holidays (lets me real, it’s a stressful two months)
And all this while I poorly managed a relationship with a really fantastic guy that decided he’d had enough. I can’t blame him.
What a fucking year. I’m angry at life right now. Generally I try to stay very optimistic, but this was really a very trying year. Not the worst I’ve had, but pretty high up there. And most of it was straight up emotional challenges.
I’m trying to plan for a good year next year. All the while feeling extremely down. Feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness with things to some degree. I know things will get better, because every time I’ve been “here” and felt this way, it did get better. But my heart aches in so many ways. I started counseling about a month ago. It’s yet to be seen if it will be helpful though. She listens to me talk but offers very little advise in a 45-50 minute session. I want it to help. Desperately. I need guidance though more than anything, and I’m not getting that yet. I’ll keep plugging away though because I’m tired of feeling sad, lonely, depressed and down.
Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. This is the shitty part. The part that sometimes leaves a pit in our stomachs. But I’m trying hard to find ways to fill that pit in. So, we’ll see where I go from here….
So I guess the adventure continues….