Be Still

I got these two words tattooed on my wrist a couple months ago. For a person who has anxiety that often times feels crippled by decision paralysis, feelings of being out of control of life, and what ifs and shoulda coulda woulda…. these words are profound. Maybe I even should have said “Be Fucking Still”. Lol. Yeah… good thing I didn’t. Lol. This anxiety is really a new thing over the last year. I mean, there’s always been this kind of decision paralysis, but this last year I think with life and the abundance of things that truly just were out of my control, brought this stupid disorder to the forefront of my life. And it truly did start to control me. In many a way. Ask my friends who witnessed a full blown trembling panic attack. Yeah. Fucking awesome.

Anyway, when I told my artist what I wanted, in my head I kind of had this vision of a small little 1×3 inch thing on my wrist. I wanted it on my wrist because I wanted to see it. All the time. And when he brought out his design I was initially shocked at the size but fell in love with it a half second later. It’s big and bold and in my face. Exactly what I freaking need.

Can I get a “that’s what she said”?!?! Hahaha ok just kidding. Hang on folks geezus. I’m trying to be serious here.

So…. ok. Refocus. So Be Still means just that. Stop. Be still. Breathe. Focus on this moment. Don’t worry about what happened yesterday. Don’t worry about what tomorrow may bring. Be here, present in THIS moment. It’s hard to do that sometimes. I worry. A lot. Whether related to anxiety or just generalized worry disorder (I’m making that in to a thing… watch me). But I always worry. Did I say or do the right thing? Maybe I should have said that differently. I shouldn’t have used THAT word, I bet he is angry now. Is he angry, he’s not responding?? I need to be honest but that may have been too honest. She thinks I’m annoying because of that one thing I said, shit. Do I share that or keep it to myself? Did I make the right decision? Is this the right decision right now? Should I turn here or go straight in this path in life, it might cost me “this”.

This is my brain you guys. It’s fucking exhausting.

So you can see where this Be Still mantra becomes so flipping important to me and such a big deal. Funny side note…. I don’t do this to myself at work at all. In my professional life, I have an abundance of confidence and certainty. I make decisions based on logic and reasoning. Where this becomes problematic is in my personal life. In matters of emotion, love, pain, and personal matters that can’t necessarily be logic driven. Where there is no definitive wrong answer or right answer. Just two different type of outcomes.

I’m determined to Be Still though. I’m determined to have control of my life, my heart and emotion. I’m committed to the idea of happiness. And happiness can not be achieved if worry, doubt, and uncertainty are always at the forefront of my mind. I’m absolutely committed to the idea of being present, in this moment, because I don’t believe that true happiness can exist if we are always looking back at the what ifs or trying to manipulate and shape the future in to something we think we want or need based on factors right now.

So. There you have it folks. Say it with me… Be Fucking Still.